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 [Note: You know the drill... custom recolors, health shields, what have you. This mission pack has a few things I didn't do, so try to work it out for yourself.] Abstract:
Story? Recently, you've been summoned by an old Keeper friend, Lars (who
eschews all knowledge or connection to the surname "Ulrich" and, by the way, is not a stupid,
loathsome, sawed-off Danish runt of questionable musical talent**), who informs you of the curse
and asks for you to meet him. So this is where you start, in town.
Details are forthcoming in the individual missions. Onward! This I avoid with all due diligence, as general-item stores -- such as Walgreens or Eckerd's -- confound me. Ostensibly they're drug stores, dedicated to refusing your prescription needs because your insurance sucks. Since they can't make money that way (rich elderly women with Valium addictions notwithstanding), they choose to add all kinds of additional features to your shopping experience: film developing, food, greeting cards, magazines, makeup, hygiene things, baby stuff, office supplies, rock-climbing equipment, strip-mining accessories, rare exotic animals, human genome cloning facilities, a cyclotron that doubles as a babysitting device (jingle: "Watch 'em twirl! It's Cyclo-TRON!"), anti-grav shafts connected to the International Space Station, a 137-screen theater-plex, and on Thursday nights they flood the Coliseum out back and re-enact epic naval battles. So it's not surprising that I inevitably get lost within moments
of entering the store and end up forgetting exactly what I was there
to buy. They eventually find me, wandering the aisles and scanning
various items, an impenetrable cloud of existential dread enveloping
me. "That's not it," I mutter to myself,
shuffling off to the next Aisle of Plenty,** a bag of Rold Gold pretzels doing an
imperfect job of staving off my hunger as I wander uncertainly over
to the toothpaste section, a ridiculous yet all-too true concept
that I only wish I were making up. And don't ask me to describe the hellish torments I put myself through just to buy a pen. So as you might have gathered before I derailed the review completely with an unnecessary description of yet another of my many glaring societal deficiencies, there are only two missions to be played. Each one is medium in size, so they should keep you plenty busy, unless you have five brains and enjoy multi-tasking. Anyway, here I go. I played on Expert all the way, just to make you all jealous. Yeah, fear THIS... this this that this is.
On your journey to meet Lars, you might as well make a few stops and... well, let's not beat around the burning bush ("Moses! Get the fire extinguisher!"): you need to steal a lot of stuff to meet your ever-growing loot needs. The all-night partying, the weekend coke jags, the endless purchases of anything Bea Arthur-related on eBay... you just can't keep up with all your expenses, not even if you take that fry-guy gig down at Tiki Taco (featuring South Seas ambience with a south-of-the-border menu). So it's off to unburden the town of its riches yet again. And a nice town it is. It's snowing, too... and hey, there's a snowman! Hey, what a snowman! Pray for the snowman, because I have fire arrows. Oops. There lies the snowman... well, *melts*, rather. Despite all this, what they say about a snow year being a good year filled with the love of those who lie so deep is still very much true. The problem is, it's a little tougher to KO everyone this time; for one thing, most of the AI are positioned in such a way that sneaking up on them is an interesting challenge... the lights are bright, but at least I had that magic sword (minus the magic helmet, damnably) to help with visibility. For another thing, I counted three non-KO cops (for those not in the know, they're the guys who have large helmets and cannot be blackjacked). While I normally decry the very existence of non-KO AI (unless there are gas arrows or mines in the mission that I may employ to my profitable advantage), I found that I could take care of them with just a little bit of effort.
Of course, this may be a flagrant rejection of everything Thief stands for, but that's okay. I've cracked all good people on their heads each day; so satisfied, I'm on my way. *sigh* Go ahead... go ahead and speak to me of summer and long winters longer than time can remember, but please... even though you've seen me, please don't say a word. The other AI are not a problem, although again, you may have to use your magic sword's stealth enhancement to sneak up on them. Stupid guards and their need for light! Why, back in my day, all guards were totally blind and found you via a combination of sonar and their heightened sense of smell! Then they'd eat a bunch of bugs and throw up! Oh, and I should mention the Fire Oil, your other new offensive weapon. It's like a contact grenade. I guess that's it for your new tricks, then. Er... to be concise, these two trinkets were introduced in "The Night Falcon," so don't think I had forgotten to mention them. Actually I had, but let that be our little secret. It would be needless of me to go on and on about the visuals in this mission. Attempting to describe it would be a waste of time (as if the rest of this review wasn't a waste anyway). So trust me: it all looks pretty good. You will pick up some info on the history of the Night Falcon along the way. Apparently the Brotherhood of the Falcon were descendants of people who originally lived in Mereska, City of Flames. (Next door to Old Navy, down the street from Wal-Mart, adjunct to Hell itself.) Mereska, by the way, was supposedly located far below the surface of the earth, only accessible through a magic portal. The Night Falcon itself came from the holy fires in the Cathedral of Mereska; it was a gift to the people from the goddess Runya, She-Bitch Of The Tingly Tongs (or not)... the NF is rumored to be able to show its owner hidden treasures and evoke powerful creatures; although with my luck I'd summon something that would want to violently mate with me before eating my skull.
At a certain point, it will become clear that you have to find the portal that will take you to Mereska... the only problem is that the portal needs five stones to activate it. You already have two, which you used to access the Night Falcon. So that leaves the other three (hooray for math!), which are actually close by. It seems that some workers building a new wall in the municipal park came across some old ruins and found three interesting stones, as well as a solid gold box of some sort with Seraphim on the lid. Snakes were everywhere. They tried to examine the box, but after 12 workers were zapped with Holy Wrath, the other guys grabbed the stones and ran. Or maybe that was a movie I saw. The mayor sold these stones to an antiques dealer, Daron Tarmesk. So you need to find where Tarmesk keeps the stones (In his wife's purse! HA! Get it? Never mind, it was stupid.) and then get to the ruins in the park. The portal is supposed to be in the ruins, and you need to use it. See, the wizard Edmund ("I wouldn't pass water over this city!") cursed the Falcon in addition to the Brotherhood, which means that as the current holder, you're cursed as well. Sorry, but that's just the way the falcon squawks... or whatever it is falcons do when squeezed experimentally. Your goal is to find the holy fires in the Cathedral of Mereska and cast the Night Falcon into them; that should cleanse the statue of the curse. Easy as pie. Right? A List Of Things That Didn't Really
Warrant An Entire Paragraph
Mereska - City of
Flames
A bit of exploring is required, since the doors to the church are
locked and require a key. Shouldn't be a problem, right? Just keep
looking. Uh-huh. Try over that way. Huh. You about done there? We
really should be going. *sigh* Look, do you need a walkthrough? Do want me to hold your
hand? Oh, goody. You found it. Now open the church and get inside.
It's colder than hell!**
Out here it is. Cold, I mean. Nice little church. Very clean! When I design my future bathroom, I want it to be just like this: pristine white marble tiles, stained glass windows, spacious, and plenty of seating. Now read the book on the altar... oh my, that IS unpleasant, isn't it? You need to move on, but how? Look around, kid. I don't have all day. So now we're at the portal, and... yeah use the stones. Interrupt all you want, just go ahead and do whatever tickles your stupid fancy. No, go ahead! Now step through the portal. I hope you die.
Are you happy now? Got it out of our system, have we? Good. Now try stealth. That's right, sneak by them. There are several of these fine fiery ladies around, but if you're careful and quiet (try to minimize the sounds you make jumping from surface to surface!), then you shouldn't have any problems. Remember to use your sword for visibility purposes... the Succubi guard treasure, and you need it. Okay, we're past that now. That was fun, wasn't it? Oh, you're such a wet blanket. Buck up, because the rest of it's not even half as difficult, unless you're some kind of idiot... Oh, there you go. Running into those spiders like that. Need I say it? Idiot! And don't--! Oh. What a mess. Those things are called Skellys or Skullys or whatever... I know. I didn't name them, so don't blame me. Don't get killed again... is that such a tough request? So beyond them, we finally come to... the cathedral. Holy sugar! That's one big façade. Door's unlocked... après vous, Mr. Gillie. Comfortable, Mr. Gillie? Up there... that's an odd picture to have in a church. Oh. That must be Runya. Put your eyeballs back in their sockets, son. Over there... that must be the holy flame. You know what to do next, right? Good. ...well??
Okay, that's done. Frankly, I was expecting more resistance on
Expert, weren't you? I kind of expected a bunch of Haunts to charge
into the room and I'd scream like a schoolgirl and try to run away
in six different directions simultaneously. But this is fine by
me...no frazzled nerves, no change of underwear required.** So now you've removed the
curse from the Night Falcon, you can head for that convenient portal
accessed via the convenient doors that just conveniently opened up
in a convenient manner. Bottom Line: this mission isn't really all that difficult if you keep calm and don't do anything stupid. You have plenty of equipment (assuming you bought the right gear in the equipment store) and stealth on your side, so it's not a problem. Let's recap this campaign. First mission: medium in length; some minor problems with taking out the AI, but nothing too difficult; cool Easter Egg; nicely done. Second mission: medium, but could stand to be a tad larger; the locations feel a tad too convenient in relation to each other. The opposition is fairly easy to overcome (if you sneak by the Succubi, that is), with no resistance at all at the very end... but on reflection, I think the AI placement is logical, as this mission isn't huge and would be quite cramped with more monsters. Together, these missions are fine for an evening's pleasant diversion. You know... once you're finished slouching under windows and stealing infants and replacing them with your own hellish offspring. Or was I thinking of a ghoul's pleasant evening? Christine and Ar-Zimrathon have put together a nice capper to the Night Falcon series (unless they plan MORE)... worthy of download and fun to play. Enjoy! The End Of These Lists...
Finally!
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Thief 2: TMA
And now for the recently-discovered list of
rejected VH1 "Behind The Music"
episodes... you know it's true, because you read it on the internet.
The
Basics:
Only two missions this time. I have mixed
feelings about this: on the one hand, I wish there were more
missions... on the other, I'm running out of paper in my notebook.
My extensive, yet hastily scribbled notes in my serial killer-like
handwriting, in conjunction with another seven-or-eight mission
campaign, would have depleted my notebook of paper; subsequently, I
would have been forced to venture out to buy another notebook.
Snow
Flurry
Speaking of solving such problems without
involving bloodshed and long, drawn-out murder trials, there's the
gas elixir, a new item in your arsenal. It's only drawback is that
it makes a loud, godawful crashing sound when connecting with your
target, alerting everyone within a six mile radius. Oh, and I had
one gas arrow. So let's see: three AI against two items. Clearly, I
would have to work on this a little. I ended up hitting one with the
gas elixir and getting the other two to chase me; I jumped onto a
countertop in a store and then gas-arrowed them. Problem solved!
Well, that's all fine and good, but there was
some sort of horrible catastrophe that destroyed Mereska -- possibly
due to someone not properly reading the manual before using their
HellFire 9000 barbecue grill -- and the survivors fled to the
surface. They moved to a city which was shortly thereafter destroyed
by an earthquake. You ever get the feeling that Someone is trying to
tell you something?
This is the ruined town where the Mereskan
survivors had fled. Zombies roam the area, but they're no problem,
thanks to my magic sword.**
Take a look around. Great, huh? The tumbled-down buildings and
general atmosphere of an earthquake-stricken town is picturesque, in
a weird way. You know what I mean.
What? Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself. Now
you're in for a visual treat. Lava, partially-submerged buildings,
fire vampire demon chicks patrolling... aka, "Succubi." No, I wouldn't do that... I--oh, GOOD
one! Reload, ye clod. Now, don't you... dammit, what is WRONG with
you?? Oh, I see. You want to kill them. Well listen up, porcupine:
that ain't gonna happen. You don't have enough gear to make it work.
The only reliable way to kill them all is to get close and use your
sword... and I tell you from experience, you don't want to do that.
No, really. Okay, fine... go ahead and try it. I'll be right here,
waiting.
DO IT!!
