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Abstract: The Basics: Onward!
Okay. For the purpose of this review, all missions were played on Expert skill; I'm following the format I put together for my review of the author's Lord Ashton series (gameplay, mission story, stats, etc.), so if you've read that, then... well, I apologize. But it should seem familiar, anyway. [Storyline Note: Before you start cracking skulls in each mission, read your diary. This will give you background info and an explanation of your goals.]
You're broke. Your landlord is threatening to toss you out on your blackjack if you don't make the rent tomorrow, so tonight you're skulking out to make a bit of profit off the town, as well as your landlord. You're going to filch his house key and steal his stuff, including his gold pocket watch, a treasured family heirloom. While you're out, it might be a good idea to check out the Hammerites and see what they're up to; it never hurts to know what's going on. Unless you're Bill Clinton... then you have to deny everything when everyone knows you know and YOU know you know, but you can't let THEM know that you know that they know you know what you know, you know? So take a look around your house -- nice! -- and grab your equipment, because you have lots of things to do and less time to do them in. Look *very* carefully around the kitchen fireplace... I'll give you that one for free. So you're outside. I suppose you're now living in the nice section of town (after all the cash you scraped up in the Lord Ashton series, it's no wonder); there are a couple of friendly cops patrolling, and they won't bother you as long as you don't do something stupid...
This mission requires you to explore, and explore you will. The
title, in fact, puts me in mind of Richard
Bachman's (aka Stephen King)
"The Long Walk"... for obvious
reasons. But I don't mean all of that in a disparaging way, oh no...
I love big town missions with plenty of opportunities to riffle
through others' private property, even though they blister my
mouse's little feet.** You'll soon find out that the general size of the town is roughly that of three of the author's town maps in her Lord Ashton series. It's easy to miss things and overlook loot, but if you're not in a hurry and can explore thoroughly, your diligence will be rewarded with helpful items. And take a look at the scenery while you're at it; Christine knows the value of eye candy. The architecture has all of these interesting little features that you really won't catch if you're in a hurry.
Okay, so whom did you steal from? I don't know about you, but I
hit the fishmonger, the theater, the weaponsmith, a pub, an innocent
lamppost (there were coins on the ground nearby, I just assumed they
belonged to it), a bank, a few citizens, a couple of cops, the
Hammer church, a crypt, a carpenter, the police station... just
about everyone had something to (involuntarily) donate to a
(un)worthy cause. I got roughly 2,000 more loot than the goal
required, so that leaves plenty of cash to support my pudding
habit... but just barely.** So with the town poorer and you richer, it's time to pay a visit to Lord Wellhofer's mansion. I guess I'm about to find out where all the cowboys... uh... *thieves* have gone. The List Of Things:
The diary you stole from the Hammer priest detailed the Hammers' shadowing of Lord Wellhofer. It seems that in addition to making nefarious people disappear, he's also been searching for some valuable artifact called the Night Falcon. (They also mentioned his tendency to troll for male prostitutes, but that's just a given.) Night Falcon? Huh. Well, you don't know what it is or what it does (maybe it's a cappuccino maker that flies), but you want to make it yours. But the info is in Wellhofer's mansion, and it'd be wrong to break in and... ...waitaminit, that gives me an idea! Why not? Why not combine peanut butter with fish? Um... never mind. There's a problem with getting into the place, though: since the way is closed, you'll need to go through the mines and find the place where the workers accidentally broke through the wall of Wellhofer's chapel. Needless to say, the mine's been deserted, thanks to two giant spiders...and you without any broadheads or thermal detonators. So if you like sparring with spiders, you're in luck. Personally, I'd rather brave the front gates totally naked and unarmed except for a sprig of parsley and carrying a sign declaring "Guards Suck!" While you're down there trying not to get eaten and doing a good job of totally freaking out, you might try to find some sort of ancient gravesite or whatever that's rumored to have a mysterious dagger that might come in useful later on. 2 zombies patrol the place, but fret not: you're armed with only a sword and a blackjack... and moss arrows! Run away in fear, zombies!
Well... since you're currently in the mansion's basement, take a look around. The guards' quarters are here, there's the electrical room, the chapel, the sparring room, the armory, the dungeon... hey, this Wellhofer guy is sick! Sebastian Medina sick! Whoosh... whoosh... you'll see what I mean. At least you now know what happened to all of your thiefy colleagues. Take the stairs up, and you'll be on the ground floor. Here you'll find the dining room, the kitchen, the bathroom, the servants' quarters, a storage room, a study hall, the courtyard, the front gates... and a fountain with fish. Of course. The upper floor contains the children's room, Wellhofer's office, the library, the game room, the music room, a couple of bedrooms, you get the idea. It's a mansion. The only thing missing, really, is the ballroom and a vomitorium.
Oh, almost forgot: a subplot is revealed by a letter you find in the chapel; it seems that the children's room is haunted. I won't go into details as I'd like to preserve *some* of the surprises in store for you, but I will say that the haunters really didn't like me. They didn't really like the guards either, so it all works out in the end. In snooping around, you'll find out why Wellhofer wants Garrett out of the picture: He's... oh, but that would be telling... ah, what the hell. Wellhofer has been eliminating thieves and other scum (hey!!) in an effort to get rid of anyone who might become interested in the Night Falcon. Garrett is his biggest concern, but also the most elusive. So that's why he's hunting you, and I'm sorry if I ruined it for you. Okay, I'm not really sorry. But in the end, at least I got to meet Lord and Lady Wellhofer... nice couple, if a little unconscious.
Things You Could Probably Live Without Knowing
So here you are in town. Your goal this evening is to get to the Hammerite Monastery and mess with a few things that the Hammers probably would prefer you left alone. You've found out through reading the notes you "borrowed" from Lord Wellhofer (just like you "borrowed" all his stuff and sold it to buy candy and pretentious Italian living room furniture) that the Night Falcon was a holy relic revered by a long-extinct order of silly English Kaaaaa-niggits called The Brotherhood of the Falcon, who wish you to know that if they still had working gastronomic systems, then they would be more than happy to fart in your general direction. The Falcon is rumored to be in the ruins of the Brotherhood's main fortress; two magic stones are required to liberate the statue, and that's why you're breaking into the monastery: in the tombs beneath the place is a magic stone that belonged to King Gerhard the Cruel (formerly William of the Tall Trousers). Your job is to get into the tombs and get that stone. And while you're down there, grab the scepter belonging to the evil wizard Edmund (aka, "The Black Vegetable") ...and while visiting the monastery, steal the weapons collection. And steal the notes belonging to a priest who's come up with some new weapons. And mow the garage and wash the lawn! Um...
The town is nice, but you're not here for a lengthy stay. Get to the gates and... huh. Closed. There should be a switch around here somewhere. It seems that there's a problem with ferocious breasts in the countryside chasing people, and... ah, I'm sorry. That's ferocious *beasts*. Anyway, they're these big green lizard things that look like a burrick after getting caught in a pants press and bombarded with gamma rays. Also of note are the giant dragonflies (or whatever) that will shoot bug swarms at you if you're not careful. Oh, it's a FUN night to be out, isn't it? And it gets even better later on. Enjoy the scenery while you
can, kid. Since it isn't feasible to walk right up to the
monastery's front gates and claim that you're here to inspect the
foundations for possible demonic possession,** it's probably better to find an
alternate way inside...and you'll find one eventually. Find it?
Good.
FYI, if you get stuck there is that walkthrough I mentioned. I had the damnedest time finding that hammer. So with the monastery in flames and everyone dead and/or dying -- again, perhaps you play differently than I do -- it's time to make your way into the tombs. So grab that Holy Hammer and get down there. Woo... tombs. Lots of spider webs, and... what the holy murcielago are those things?? Oh. Vampires. Great. And their little furry flying friends, bats. Joy unspeakable. You may want to kill the vampires. You may want to kill the bats.
Let me caution you against being an idiot. The vampires can take a
lot of damage, and the bats explode upon dying.** Here's my advice: sneak. Put out the
torches and sneak. Sneak, sneak, sneak. It's easier than it seems,
but you will need a LOT of patience. Be aware that the monsters are
also very twitchy and will freak and start searching if you put out
a torch when they're in the same room with it, so be careful. Leave
them alone, because making a scene is just asking for trouble and a
reload.
Speaking of insanity, one obstacle to my progress was in the form of a ghost spider... an arachnid apparition, if you will. Flashbombs (FIVE!) took care of him. Further on, I came across... oh, don't tell me that's blood. Please just let it be a big pool of cherry Kool-Aid... hey, there's the stone! Grab it and get out of this madhouse. Now that's done, let's move on. I think there's another stone you have to steal... Things More Important Than You Or Me
Oh, boy. More Hammer stuff. After your harrowing ordeal in the tombs beneath the Hammerite monastery, you were feeling a bit under-abused. So you decided to sneak into the Hammers' cathedral just to let the intolerant bastards beat you bloody... you kinky little minx. Perhaps the local cathedral has info on where you can find a clue as to the whereabouts of the second magic stone. You still don't know where the actual ruins are, but all in good time... maybe you could find a colorful local character and ask him for directions to the area in question. Or not. In addition to standing around and going "golly-gee!" at the pretty cathedral, you might want to pick up a couple of supplementary treasures. One of them is a valuable artifact -- which looks to be a palantír -- and the other is a magic sword... holy, makes bearer less visible when drawn, the usual stuff. It goes without saying that the sword's in the cathedral crypts... enjoy the zombies. You start out in town (typically lovely), but much like an Ex-Lax milkshake you're just passing through... but don't forget to steal everything in sight, either. A short walk later, and you're at the first set of gates that let you know that there's a definite Hammer presence in the area. Eventually you'll get to the cathedral and its bounty.
You'll come across the secret of where the second stone is, if you look hard enough. From your readings, you discover that the Brotherhood of the Falcon were visited one day by the evil wizard Edmund ("Your head is as empty as a eunuch's underpants!"), who wanted to buy the Night Falcon. They refused... actually, they told him to sit on his scepter and spin... and he left in a snit. So it was inevitable that strange things began happening and some of the knights went mad and began attacking their brethren with clever taunts concerning hamsters and elderberries. The besieged knights responded with brave retorts centering
around the concept of the evil sons of a silly person boiling their
bottoms, but to no avail. They managed to seal off the Night Falcon
with two magic stones -- provided by a very unhappy acolyte** -- and dispatch couriers bearing the
stones to two recipients: King Gerhard the Cruel (who was a friend
to the Brotherhood) and the Hammerites (who are friend to no one).
The knights eventually fell and were cursed themselves, doomed
forever to walk (or skip or jump or line-dance, whatever) the halls
of their formerly glorious fortress. Boo-hoo. The Hammers, true to
their nature, sealed their stone away in a mysterious
tower.
A Lackadaisical Attempt At A List Of Interesting Things:
Another town, or is it the same town? Who knows? You... you have your own problems. You need to get into that so-called "mysterious" tower and get the second stone, but how? There isn't an obvious way in, so maybe the local Hammer church will have some sort of clue. Ah... Hammers again. And to think I had missed them in Thief 2... now I wish they'd all go away. While you're out, you might as well pick up a couple of additional items. Lord Hafner has a valuable bracelet, while the pharmacist -- who is a person of questionable ethics -- has an antique navigation globe, although to his credit, he's not doing weird electricity experiments on Headcrabs. So when you're done wrecking the local economy and you've completed all of your tasks, head for the local inn and wait for your fence in his room. But watch out... the inn's right across the street from the police station, and a few of the boys in blue are getting totally 'faced... so it may be more prudent to use the side door.
Anyway, you'll find in your reading that Lord Hafner's supposedly looking for the Night Falcon too, which is probably one of the reasons that Lord Wellhofer's trying to ruin him. You know, I probably could have taken care of the whole Wellhofer problem a couple of missions back... but nooooooooooo! I have to be careful to not anger the Gods of no-kill goals. *grumble* Oh, well. Be a man and just get through it, that's what I always say. Actually, I *don't* always say that, but I always say "that's what I always say" even though I don't always say whatever it is that I'm saying, so... oh, I give up. Moving on. The town is very nice; it's also a bit more convoluted than what's usual in this pack so far, what with so many things to do and having to actually think about how to get to certain places. Rope arrow up to an overlook, infiltrate the church via the sewers, and so on. This mission really isn't all that large, really, but the space is put to very good use. One of the best examples of how textures and space are used effectively is the bookshop.
So let's see... I have two magic stones -- no, I won't show them to you -- a lot of loot, my blackjack has fallen apart thanks to all the notches I've been cutting into it, I have a firm purpose (find ruins, steal holy bird statue), and now... now, I must put on leather chaps and dance the night away. Or maybe I'll just grab a candle and make amusing shadow puppets until the drugs wear off. ("Abraham Lincoln's coming to kill me! Motheeeerrrrr!!") And Now For The Part You've Not Been Waiting For:
Walkin' In My Winter Underwear. Just like in the sixth mission in the Lord Ashton series, I'm
free once again to give people nasty concussions and leave them
respirating weakly in snow drifts. They'll be just fine... I
imagine. And a winter map is just perfect for someone running a
fever (hello), but never mind that now. You have quite the shopping
list of things to collect, so it's time to stop dancing in stilettos
in the snow** and get
moving. First, enjoy a brisk sled ride to town -- watch out for the snow burricks -- and go to the weapons dealer. He has the equipment you will need for your trip to the ruins, although he wasn't exactly holding it for *you*... not that it matters. Next on the list is a painting in the town museum by Sir Hrothgar called "The Enchanted Forest," a charming little portrait of what lurks in the darkest thickets, eating slow children. Then make your way to the Golden Sun inn, where a renowned antiques dealer is staying. He has a valuable trinket called "The Golden Falcon" which he hopes to sell for a nice price; both Lord Wellhofer and the curator of the museum are very interested, but you figure that you need it more than they do, what with your current obsession with falcons.
You'll find out that Lord Wellhofer wants to lead the second expedition to the ruins himself. The first expedition ended in failure, and in typical blue-blood fashion he berates the commoners involved for their incompetence. Oh, for a bloody revolution, huh? Like I mentioned before, I should've (de)capped this guy when I had the chance. You've seen part of this town before; the construction offices are in a previously-inaccessible area. The new bits expand upon the town nicely, and it all comes together in the author's usual style of visual magnificence. I have no complaints about the scenery whatsoever. Of special note are the glass windows: incredible. Between the eye candy and the live AI aspect of the gameplay, I do believe we have a winner here; this is one of my favorite maps in the pack for good reason. I especially enjoyed my trip to the museum, where I expanded my mind with the transcendent beauty of human expression... so I decided to take all the art home and make my own museum. Who needs to by a "Lil' Curator Beginner's Museum" kit, anyway? All I need is a bunch of art and a place to put it all... and a loot bag the size of a dump truck.
And don't forget! This May 30th is the last day for these fine exhibitions: "Slime Trails Into The Sunset: The Experimental Slug-Oriented Western Art of Frederic Remington," "Nazi Punks F*** Off! A Tribute To Inviting Nazi Punks To F*** Off," "Shrimpwrecked! A History Of People Losing Control At A Red Lobster," "He Sleeps With The Fishes: A Graphic History Of Gruesome Mafia Hits," "Stuff They Drained Out Of My Colon," and "Golden Obsession: The Naked Asian Chick As Objectified By Socially-Retarded Geeks." This mission shouldn't prove to be too much of a challenge; no undead, not too many guards, etc. But it wasn't the gameplay that got me, no... it was the bakery. Thanks to the six whole gingerbread houses, the five fully-decorated cakes and the eighteen large donuts I ate, it was inevitable that the cops would find my bloated corpse in a snowdrift, obviously the victim of the dreaded "sugar jams."
Head Injury Theater Presents... Things I Found Amusing While Bleeding:
All right... this is it. You're on the wintry verges of making the Night Falcon yours, and all you have to do is navigate a snowy landscape, brave the dangers presented by various weird creatures, infiltrate the castle ruins and deal with Knight Haunts, vampires and bats, figure out how to the get the NF, grab it, and then leave. Simple, right? Oh, yeah. Sure. Pfffft. No problem. Okay, so this mission proved to be something of a pain, but I liked it anyway. The challenge was there, and I more or less stomped on everyone (or "everything," as was the case). The first time I played, I wanted to hurt myself and everyone around me, but now that I know how to deal with various problems, only a slight elevation of nervous adrenaline was the result, not to mention a marked reduction of my typical interjections in such cases, "Oh, for the love of..." and "Son of a..." for example. Thanks to my holy sword, I was able to finally take care of those stinkin' vampires... and their possessed former-Knight friends, too. I still don't understand the presence of the vampires, but it's not mine to reason why.
Plenty of relics and other treasures litter the castle and the countryside... I did manage to miss about 400 in loot; in my defense, it was well-hidden. I guess you could say that in Christine's missions, your attention is divided evenly between looking at your surroundings and looking at the ground. I don't regret this, as I like good scenery and money, although not in that order. But you... you. Did you enjoy yourself? The Night Falcon is yours. You've left a trail of concussed people and broken demons and other heavily-violated monsters behind you... so what's next? Well, see... the Night Falcon may not be entirely kosher, you follow? So join me -- as I am coming apart -- next time in my review of Christine and Ar-Zimrathon's "The Curse of the Falcon."
Annoyance Rating: Campaign Score:
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Thief 2
[Version
Note: This review was written before the latest
version was released; some issues I've mentioned here have probably
been fixed with the new version.]
One of the things (besides the .mis files themselves) that
shoots the filesize up to staggering heights is the presence of .avi
cutscenes; that's perfectly fine by me, as they are a thoughtful
touch to the overall experience. Those of you still on dial-up
connections may feel otherwise, and I more or less feel your pain.
Anyway, although they really don't provide any relevant info to the
missions, they do show off the next mission a little... nice music,
too. But you know Windows... if I watch anything with Media Player
(a pox upon it!) before playing Thief, the game will skip the
cutscenes. This can be fixed by the codec thingamawhatsit on one of
the game CDs,** but even so I find
that a reboot before playing will let me see the movies.
A
Shopping Walk
...but you know me. Fortunately, I avoided
their wrath for this review. Beyond those two clowns, you'll find
out that the rest of the cops really don't like you at all. In fact,
they're eager to take you in for some reason, as revealed by a nice
little parley between two of the fascist oinkers--uh, fine men and
women in blue. This means that it's time, once again, to slap on
your Sam Spade hat (was it a fedora? a porkpie? a tricorn?) and do a
little digging for info. And while you're at it, find out why your
fellow thieves are disappearing; the Hammers suspect that Lord
Wellhofer is behind the disappearances, but they're puzzled as to
why. This means that you'll eventually have to take to trip to his
place of residence, but first... go get some cash.
The AI, on the other hand, are a little... well, they're
odd sometimes, being pretty twitchy on the whole. I KO'd a cop
roughly twenty feet from a female cop, and she went on full alert.
I'm not complaining, as it does add a touch of (unintended?)
realism. Look at the Hammers... I mean, I'd jump too if a door
opened by itself.
Lord
Wellhofer
Me, I wasn't really convinced by the mine (more
on that in the notes below), except for one area... but then again,
I'm picky about things like that. Anyway, so now you're in the
chapel. All right... tile floors! And twitchy guards! Hooray! This
mission presents something of a challenge; the stationary guards are
placed so that it's a little tough to sneak up on them, while the
mobile guards -- upstairs in particular -- patrol in brightly-lit
areas. Talk about rude! But with a little patience and a willingness
to lure them into dark corners, they shouldn't be too much of a
problem.
Although not overly grandiose, this mansion is nicely done.
I wish had more to add to that in order to make a pointlessly
ponderous paragraph here, but I don't.
So after a successful key and info hunt, you're
all done. You head for the front gates.
The Hammerite
Monastery
So choose wisely from the equipment store and
hit the town. Oh... you're already there. That makes things easier.
The town is crawling with cops, so it doesn't pay to skip and jump
through the streets singing "Cop
Killer." Also, references to smelling bacon are strictly
prohibited, although to clear the streets in a hurry you might try
shouting something about a crisis at Ye Olde Donutte Hole.
So you're inside, and... hey, female Hammers! Cool! But
they have to take a forced nap just like the guys, so club away.
Nice monastery... lots of gold laying around, and the place is just
so pleasing to the eye, it's a shame that everyone inside must die.
Or not... perhaps you play differently than I do. The problem here
is that you really won't have a whole lot of clues to help you out;
some of the questions posed to you the player have obscure answers,
at best. Okay, here it is: you need the Holy Hammer to open the way
to the tombs... the problem is that the thing is well-hidden, and
the clues are just not obvious by any means. So strap on your
psychic helmet and...
This is the part of the mission that I dread
the most, really; I admit that being forced to rely upon my stealth
skills is fun... but those of you with weak constitutions ("he's going to walk into me he's going to...
Aaaaggh!!") will want to take it easy. After I
finished the mission, I found that I was short about 400 loot... but
I wasn't going back in there to search for tiny rings on coffins.
That's just *insane*.
The
Cathedral
Nice cathedral, by the way... not massive in an
"Insurrection" sort of way, but it's large enough to
keep all your stuff there if you wanted. Good layout, lots of tile,
not too crowded... I like it! The only drawback is that there aren't
a whole lot of clues to shed light on how to go about completing
your tasks while you're in there. The difficulty of the artifact
hunt, specifically, depends basically on just how clairvoyant you
are. Where would someone hide something like that? It's up to you to
figure it out. The location of the Hammer treasury is easier to
figure out, but finding the sword in the crypts may elude some
people. It baffled *me* at first, but then again... oh, never mind
about my mental processes. The brackish well of my self-esteem is
low enough as it is.
So with the cathedral and crypt emptied of
their secrets and riches, it's time to see a man about a tower.
The Mysterious
Tower
Dear prudence. Being prudent isn't always fun.
Hell, Paul had to practically beg prudence to come out and play, so
to hell with that. Me, I'm going in through the front door, but in
my own special way. Who's seen the thief? Not you or I...
The gameplay is also somewhat better than in the previous
missions; I got to use the "lure a bunch of
idiots with a noise arrow then gas-arrow them when they clump
together searching" bit that I love so very, very much
*three* separate times. Beautiful. The Hammer crypt, what with its
very nasty inhabitants, allowed me to try out my brand new magic
sword. I don't quite know what to call the new dagger-carrying
Haunt-like monsters, although the model is a DeDx model called
"Revenant," I believe... so I'll
just call them Revenants if they show up again. I still wonder where
they hide their rocket launchers, though...**
Christmas
Presents
Last on your list is a visit to the
construction offices owned by Lord Wellhofer for a map that will
tell you where the ruins are. Needless to say, while you're doing
these things you shouldn't forget to liberate the townsfolk of their
hard-earned cash. This is your own special way of Christmas
shopping, and for the sake of what's left of your soul, I'm glad
there aren't any Salvation Army Santas for you to roll for a few
quarters.
If you get the chance, drop by and see my most popular
exhibit, "Elvis Art And You,"
currently on display until next February 23rd. Other exhibits
include "Unwanted Treasures: Stuff Rejected
From The Titanic Exhibit," "Squealing And Covered In Various Fluids: Montages
Of Still Scenes From The Films Of Jun Kusanagi" (21+ admission only, please), "Stop Touching Me!: A Tribute To
Siblinghood," "Unheralded Riches:
The Elusive Beauty Of Armpit Hair," and "Now Worthless: Formerly Fine And Valuable Paintings
Reduced To Toilet Paper Because Your Stupid Four-Year-Old Wiped His
Boogery Hands On Them."
Since you obviously have more self-control than
I, you're good to go. You've done everything worth doing and then
some, so it's time to leave town the way you came in.
The Brotherhood of the
Falcon
The castle is in ruins, yes... I've always liked the "abandoned castle/other residence" style
of mission (see "Crom's Blade,"
for an excellent example), and this mission doesn't disappoint.
Granted, the castle itself isn't extravagantly huge, but it serves
its purpose. Perhaps one-third of the mission involves traveling to
the castle, and you'll come across many snow burricks and a few
icebeasts along the way. At least there weren't any spiders.
The Note List To End All
Note Lists... In This Review, At Least
Campaign
Summary?
